It’s Wednesday here on #PGDL and we all know that doesn’t mean anything.
Except everyone seems to still be really excited about this whole “It’s a new year. They’re calling it 2013.” thing. So far this year I have actually not left my house. I came home shortly after midnight on New Years Eve and have not left the confines of my parents house since then. It’s completely appropriate though, because I am still in “recovery” from my gallbladder/alien removal surgery until like Saturday. I honestly don’t even know when this ends.
I honestly won’t be able to remember that it’s not 2012 anymore for at least 3-5 months. That’s just my life.
Anyway, since everyone is so big into New Years and making New Years Resolutions, I thought I’d help you guys out with coming up with some resolutions for yourself. Since it’s super hard to see the faults and things you should fix in your own self, I’ll just point them out for you.
I know it’s already been the new year for like a day and a half, but I figured you could apply the five second rule when starting New Years Resolutions, only it’s more like a five day rule. So let’s just go with that.
Here is my list of possible New Years Resolutions for all of you, not for myself. I am perfect. Except basically all of these could be applied to me. Whatever.
1. Be around less people who suck. This is a really difficult one if you work at the mall. Or even if you just have to leave your house on a daily basis.
2. Pay more attention. Know what day it is more often than just when you take your birth control pill because it says the days of the week on it.
3. Spend less time on WebMD convincing yourself that you are dying.
4. Always wear a bra. Even if you think you don’t need it. You do. We all do. Except when you sleep. I heard in sixth grade that sleeping in a bra gives you cancer.
5. Commit to making more of a fashion statement. Like only wear windbreaker pants and shirts with cats on them. I knew a brother and sister pair in high school who killed in that look. Actually they looked ridiculous, but that was before the birth of hipsters. Now I’m sure you’d be the coolest kid at Urban Outfitters.
6. Get a hobby. Like knitting or playing backgammon or collecting porcelain gnome figurines or stalking someone. Whatever you’re into.
7. Start a new diet. People love diets. Although, the new year started on a Tuesday. So I’d just wait until next Monday. That makes more sense, right?
8. Spend less time on the internet, and more time outside enjoying nature. Wait, no. That seems wrong. Forget that. It’s a terrible idea.
9. Work on your personal hygiene. I’m sure most of you are slacking in that department. I know the people who shop at my store sure are. Deodorant is not an outrageous expense, you guys.
10. A lot of sad girls say their New Years Resolution is to get a boyfriend. Which is sad. You should enjoy being a one woman circus. People get confused when you’re not sad and desperate all the time. However, you should know your standards. And stick to them. For example, I would like to only date dudes who have a stable income and who have never at any point in their life been medicated for clinical depression. I know, my standards are pretty high.
There you have it. 10 perfectly reasonable New Years Resolutions, just for you.
Or you could like, try to solve world hunger or something. That seems like a whole lot of effort for just one year.
But whatever floats your boat.