Lesson #114: True Life: I work at the mall

Hello, internet friends!

 

Well, maybe we’re not friends. More like awkward eye contact if you see each other in public but don’t actually interact acquaintances.

 

Anyway, it is Wednesday here on #PGDL and you know what that means! Nothing. It means nothing.

 

Except I am totally going to teach you something. Sort of.

 

Since I have officially gone back to work, I have been reminded of all the joys of working at the mall that I was missing for those three wonderful weeks of not leaving my bed or wearing real pants. And when I say “joys” I actually mean terrible, awful, horrible things that make me want to flip tables.

 

So I thought I’d make a list of reasons why you should never ever work at the mall, based on true life experiences. Let’s call it True Life: I work at the mall. Like on MTV.

 

Aw, remember MTV? What happened to her? I think she got pregnant.

 

1. A customer might open her large purse to get out her wallet and you will see that it is completely full of Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts.

 

2. “Where do you keep your skirts?” Um, everywhere. What kind of skirt are you looking for? “Oh you know, just like… a skirt. Can you show me where they are?”

 

3. A woman might pay for $83 worth of clothing with all ones. Or pull out exact change from her cleavage. And you can’t help but make an awkward judging face and use hand sanitizer right after you put it in the drawer.

 

4. You can’t go anywhere or watch anything without pointing out people wearing clothes from your store. It’s an illness.

 

5. A lady might come in to your store literally 60 seconds before you’re about to close the doors and insist that you have liquid leggings because her friend told her so. And even though you explain that in the year you have worked there you have never sold liquid leggings, she has to call her friend, who’s name is Tequila, to come into the store to show her those supposed liquid leggings, which don’t actually exist. In the end she buys plain black ones. You close 15 minutes late.

 

6. You will start cleaning racks of clothing in other stores. Then you have to yell at yourself, “Self, stop this right now! You don’t work for free!” Then you knock some things on the ground to make up for it.

 

7. “The sign says it’s $5. Why isn’t it $5? It should be $5!” The tag says $12.95. All the signs say “select items starting at” so it means something else. It is what it says on the tag. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. I want to speak to your manager.” My manager will also tell you it’s $12.95.

 

8. No, I cannot tell you how to get to Banana Republic from here.

 

9. You will, at least once, watch a child push all of the sweaters that you have just freshly folded onto the ground and run away. His mother will not even notice.

 

10. You might be called into the fitting room to be the one to decide if the liquid on the ground is pee or not. Yes, it is. You don’t get paid enough for this.

 

 

So, there you go. Ten reasons why you should never ever work at the mall.

 

I really need a new job.