Lesson #159: “Swag” is not a real word

It’s Thursday and it has come to my attention that there is a serious epidemic among the girls of my generation.

 

And no, I’m not talking about being completely self-involved and narcissistic like that Time Magazine article called us, even though we totally are.

 

I’m talking about dating douchebags. That’s right, I’m calling you out ladies.

 

We can do better.

 

Here’s an Urban Dictionary definition, in case you’re not sure.

 

Douchebag: An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of others with no sense of how moronic he appears.

 

I know it can be hard to realize that you’re dating a douchebag, they’re just people walking around like everyone else and they might even act like a super cool guy when nobody else is around. But they’re there. On the inside. And maybe the outside if he uses enough hair product.

 

So I’ve come up with a list of douchebag symptoms. If your significant other is experiencing one or more of these symptoms, he might be a douchebag. Seek medical attention. Or just break up with him.

 

1. Posting gym selfies. Nobody cares about how many reps or lifts or whatever you did.

 

2. Vanity license plates. They are almost always embarrassing.

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Really?

 

3. Also using the word “swag” at all. Ever. Just stop.

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You guys ruined a perfectly acceptable car.

 

5. Doing that thing where he wears a vest from a three piece suit with jeans. Just wear the whole suit. Girls love guys in suits. Girls hate guys in partial suits.

 

6. Telling sports and/or high school related “glory days” stories. No one cares.

 

7. Axe Body Spray. How hasn’t that stuff been taken off the market yet?

 

8. Talking about how much money he has. Or how much money he doesn’t have. Stop talking about money.

 

9. Hitting on girls at the gym. Or you met by him hitting on you at the gym. Can’t you tell that we’re busy, guy?

 

10. T-shirts with long sleeve shirts underneath. That might just be me. I hate that.

 

11. If he at any time has ever reminded you of this guy.

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12. He drives his car really fast in residential neighborhoods for no reason. That is not impressive. We are fearing for our lives in the passenger seat.

 

13. He sends a mass text to all the girls he knows everyday saying “Good morning, beautiful.” That’s disgusting. And yeah, Casey. We all knew.

 

14. Parking your ostentatious car with the vanity plate across two spots like he thinks he’s the Queen of England. Only she can park like that. And only because she’s a million years old.

 

15. Being named Blake. Sorry anyone named Blake. You’re probably a douchebag.

 

 

Good luck diagnosing your boyfriends with the douchebag disease, ladies.

 

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to recovery.

 

Or you could just give him this break up cake as a parting gift.

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One thought on “Lesson #159: “Swag” is not a real word

  1. Love this.

    I used to work in a department store and Axe was a big seller. This confused me because I don’t know any woman who enjoys the “cheap department store body spray” scent.
    Officially, of course, I don’t know anyone who likes douchebags either. Maybe it’s one of those things everyone does and no one talks about?

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