It’s Tuesday and I think I have developed the kind of nervous tick where you check your email every 30 seconds.
Which will go so perfectly with my other nervous tick that is actually a twitch. Just don’t bring it up in public like my mom does.
I have been off work since Thursday. Which means I have barely left my house since Thursday.
I was supposed to be apartment hunting in New York this past weekend, but spoiler alert: that didn’t happen. The thing about trying to make plans to something cool with your life is that if there is another person involved in those plans and they change their mind, then all of your plans change too. Which sucks. Depending on other people is the worst.
So instead of doing cool things with my life, I stayed at home, ate s’mores that I made on the stove (because I’m a genius), and bought a lot of books on my iPad to try to fill the “still living in Ohio with my parents” void in my life.
I love you parents, but there comes a time in a 23-year-old’s life when she really needs her own bathroom.
Anyway, because I work part-time retail, I am completely dumbfounded when it comes to doing anything on the weekend. I’m usually at work for 9 hours a day Friday through Sunday, so I’ve forgotten what the world on a weekend looks like. Which basically means I just didn’t leave my house.
I’m a big fan of a hermit weekend. I like staying home and hanging out with my dog and letting my mom buy OnDemand movies for us to watch based solely on whatever actors are in them.
But I know a lot of people feel ashamed or embarrassed if they don’t have plans for the weekend. Apparently, being social is important to the general population.
So, to avoid those awkward shame feelings and to feel like you’re “fitting in” even though you aren’t, I have come up with a five-step plan of how to trick people into thinking you’re out on the town even though you’re not.
Step 1: Pre-Game
Just like with any big night out, you always have to do some prep-work. Except in this case, it’s not the kind where you drink before you go out drinking. To pre-game for a night of staying at home in your most flattering Star Wars t-shirt and spandex shorts, you want to spend the two days prior talking to everyone about how “pumped you are for the weekend.” People are always really excited about getting blackout drunk, so just go along with it. They’ll think that’s what you’re doing too.
Step 2: Stay off Facebook
Everyone knows Twitter is the new Facebook and Facebook is the new MySpace. AKA where all the kids who aren’t doing anything fun hang out on Saturday night. There’s nothing to do on there anyway except stalk your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and look at that girl from high school’s pictures of her shotgun wedding. Actually, I love doing both of those things.
Step 3: Stay on Twitter
Like I said, Twitter is where all the cool kids hang out on Saturday night. Because a drunk tweet is a much better idea than a drunk text. For some unknown reason. Science is still working on that one. Anyway, send poorly spelled tweets with improper grammar and a lot of exclamation points throughout the night. Tweet about how much fun you’re having, Taylor Swift lyrics that lead people to believe you’ve met your soul mate at an 18 and up bar, or just post a tweet of only emojis. An emoji is worth 1000 words. I think that’s how that goes.
Step 4: Get a friend involved
Every hermit has hermit friends. So just get one of your hermit friends on board with the plan, and then you can tweet at each other about things that aren’t actually happening. Pretending to be at a terrible bar is much more convincing if you’re pretending to be there with someone else. Nobody goes to Park Street alone. And if you do, shame on you. That place is creep city already without random people lurking around by themselves.
Step 5: Do whatever the hell you want
Once you’ve convinced the general public of your internet circle that you’re out getting plastered like they are, you are free to wear the leggings with the holes in them and eat straight out of the refrigerator. Enjoy yourself, girl. The world is your oyster. Or at least your living room, because we both know you’re not leaving the house.
I’m actually kind of impressed with myself, this is a really good plan.
I wish I’d thought it up in high school when I actually cared about not leaving the house on Friday night.
Now I tweet about my adventure-less Friday nights and call it #hermitfriday.
Because I just can’t help myself.