It’s No Shame Monday and I am eating a bagel and cream cheese with bacon on it. You should try it, it’ll change your life.
I’m so sorry, people who actually read this thing. I know I’ve been slacking in our relationship. The one where I write things and you, well I don’t know what you do, but still.
I promise to be more committed to you, and the whole writing thing. Because I have a lot of time on my hands these days.
Because I have joined the honorable force of the unemployed. That’s right. I quit my part time mall job.
After a year and a half long career in retail, I just thought it was time to move on to bigger and better things. Like spending the summer sleeping, hanging out with my dog, and really getting into all those Pinterest recipes I’ve been saving up.
I haven’t had a summer off since high school, so I’m not even really sure what to do with myself.
But I am completely sure of the things I will never have to do again now that my part-time mall career is finally over.
1. Tell a girl that a dress so small that I can see her uterus looks “super cute” on her.
2. Hang up fifty pairs of pants that I just folded down last week.
3. Circle a parking garage for twenty minutes because the lady in front of me keeps doing the “stop and wait” for cars that aren’t actually leaving.
4. Watch people flip over entire tables of freshly folded anything, knowing the same thing will happen as soon as I re-fold it again.
5. Get called into the fitting room to be the deciding vote on whether it really is pee or not on the floor. It is. It always is.
6. Come to the mall on a Saturday. Ever.
7. Clean this up.
Messes like this are the reason girls who work at the mall have such bad attitudes.
8. “Oh, there’s no price tag on it? Must be free!”
9. Try to bob and weave through a store packed with people like a can of sardines while pushing a gravity challenged cart of merchandise.
10. Get called a variety of creative insults for not letting someone share a fitting room, return $200 worth of merchandise without a receipt, or just because the lines are too long.
11. Tell a woman that no, she cannot take her pants and/or top off to try something on in the middle of the store. I don’t care how long the fitting room wait is.
12. Get my hair caught in the cash drawer when I wear it down and I’m on the register.
13. Be called into work on every single day off, even the day before my last shift.
14. Get hit on by one of Santa Claus’s helper elves while I’m trying to lock the doors.
15. Accept the slightly moist exact change that was pulled out of a lady’s humongous cleavage. On more than one occasion.
Retail workers really put up with a lot of shit, so you should try to be a little nicer to them.
It’s a lot easier not to cry in the break room on your lunch hour that way.
But now I am FREE AT LAST.
And I feel great.
So now begins my #fabulouslyunemployed summer.
Get ready world, I’m going to take a nap in you.