It’s Wednesday and I feel like I really need to step up my pants game.
As in, I need more than three pairs of pants at this point in my life.
Because not only is laundry really hard to do in New York, but also because I got a really cool INTERNSHIP and even though they didn’t say it out loud, I think they want me to look mildly presentable when I’m there.
Unlike the rest of the companies in that building, whose employees are super chic and wear cool dresses and high heels and only eat salads in the cafeteria.
Anyway, today I want to talk about all the things people never tell you about living in New York until you’re already here. Because they might tell you how hard it is to pay your rent, but that’s not the only thing you’re going to want to cry on the subway about.
1. Stairs. This city is entirely comprised of stairs. Want to go somewhere? Take the subway, which is underground. How do you get to it? Stairs. Want to get out of the subway? More stairs. Want to go home? Your apartment is on the third floor. Even more stairs. My legs haven’t stopped hurting for two months.
2. The subway smells. And not just like getting a quick waft of someone who needs a bath, it’s the lingering scent of rotting garbage and something else unknown but unwelcome baking in the stale heat radiating from the Earth’s core. It’s also a million degrees down there since you’re so much closer to the center of the Earth.
3. Also, whatever subway line you take will always stop and sit in the dark underground because of “train congestion” ahead, and you will usually break into a panic attack sweat thinking you’re going to be late for whatever interview you’re most likely on your way to.
4. You will spend $30 every time you leave the house. Don’t ask me on what, because I don’t even know. It just happens.
5. The pigeons are not afraid of you.
6. Neither are the rats. Which you will see more frequently than squirrels.
7. Grocery shopping is now your absolute least favorite activity.
8. Oh, and doing your laundry. I hope you’re a fan of re-wearing, because otherwise you have to carry your bag of dirty clothes several blocks slung over your shoulder like Santa Claus. It’s not as jolly as it looks. That guy must have serious back problems by now.
9. You will get almost hit by a car everyday. Sometimes they’ll even scootch closer to you as you walk across the street because they think it’s their turn to go even when the light is red.
10. Even though you live in a super, super Jewish neighborhood, you’ll still have to walk six blocks for great bagels.
11. You will always end up sitting directly across from the crazy person on the train. Don’t make eye contact.
And it hasn’t even started snowing yet.